Dear Reese,

Did you ever have the nickname “Pieces” in school? As in Reese’s Pieces? I wonder if that was cool or annoying? Do people send you Reese’s Pieces? What’s your address? Sorry, that’s not the reason I’m writing. FIrst, congrats. I hear you recently got married. I saw a photo of you at your wedding on the cover of some magazine at Rite Aide and you looked really beautiful and happy and that lent some light to an otherwise terrible trip to Rite Aide. That’s also not the reason I’m writing. I’m writing because you recently said, in reference to your love scene with Robert Pattinson in your upcoming film, Water for Elephants:

“Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing…I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer…I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”

Listen, Pieces. I do not dispute the authenticity of this story. I’m sure he had a cold. But here’s the thing. The one thing worse than bragging about an amazing experience is saying that a clearly amazing experience was bad. Because it is so transparently a lie. It is an objective lie that making out with Pattinson was disgusting. Sure, he had a runny nose, that makes no difference. You know who you’re reminding me of? The girl who studied really hard for the test, pretended like she didn’t, and told everyone she totally failed and then she gets an A plus. You know that girl? That girl is so annoying! Sure, she’s your friend, but you just want to be like, “Dude, just say that you aced the test because you know you did!” In conclusion, RPieces, just say, “Making out with RPatz was just as awesome as you think it would be, which is to say really really awesome.” The end.

Sincerely,
Sarah