THREE DAYS LATER
So, yeah, I was a vampire now, and I had two babies. They'd hiss at each other in their little shared crib. Rosalie clucked over them like she'd never read Betty Friedan, and she wouldn't let me near them. She thought I'd see them like delicious roast chickens and try to nom on them, but I was a good mom. I would never nom on my baby-babies. I mean, shit, yo.
Edward had been distant ever since my change. He gave me the cold-I mean, colder shoulder, certain I'd cheated on him with Jacob to make Chilly Barley. I desperately wanted Edward to fuck me senseless now that I had vampire strength and a clit that finally could be pinched and stretched to the ceiling and back, so I thought maybe a paternity test would make him feel better about things. Carlisle took care of it all, and he tried to drag out the findings more than the stupid American Idol results show. But it didn't matter, because Edward could read minds anyway, so as soon as Carlisle came into the living room with the crisp manila envelope, Edward ran at me with his hands out, yelling, "You slattern! You laid with that dog, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?" His hands closed around my neck, and he choked me as hard as he could, which was pretty hard, but come on, have you ever heard of a vampire that was choked to death? Lamesauce.
"I'm sorry, Edward," said Carlisle with his stupid ass face full of stupid ass compassion. "But yes, Jacob is the father of Chilly Barley."
Edward started whimpering like a little girl, and Jacob came out of nowhere and did a victory lap, singing "We Are the Champions" at the top of his lungs.
I was so not getting laid anytime soon. Fucking werewolf and fucking double pregnancy. Fuck my fucking fertility.
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