EVEN MORE SEVERAL MORE WEEKS LATER
I've done a lot of paternity shows, but this was my first maternity one. I almost didn't do it until they told me it involved a love triangle between a human girl, a vampire, and a wolfboy, and that they were all good-looking. This could be my best rating show ever. Suck on that, Springer.
Best thing was, I did my research beforehand. Of course I knew the test results before the show. You think we leave that up to chance? They kind of pulled a fast one on me when the mom showed up as a vampire, too, but they had some old DNA samples from the bloodbath that was the C-Section. Then I got a whiff of the babies' names and almost called Child Protective Services for that reason alone. No children, not even mutant ones, deserve names like that. I've been doing this show a long time, and I know without a doubt that Renesmee Carlie would be back on this stage in no time, this time as an out-of-control teen, stripping and hooking for attention and money and saying "Whatevuhhh! Ah do what ah want!" And Chilly Barley, well... That wolf-baby has no chance at a decent life. Maybe after this show that would all change.
I had a big surprise up my sleeve for these guys.
They came on stage one at a time, and the audience went wild. All the women screamed at the closeted homosexual vampire called Edward, and for some reason all the men in the audience seemed to want to ask Bella to some dance. They both rolled their eyes repeatedly at all the unwanted attention, like they were bored with it all. The audience ATE IT UP. We played soft music while we told their sweet love story, and showed pictures of the adorable Renesmee Carlie. She was going to make a lot of money as a stripper, you could tell just by the pictures of her tiny, perfect, milky-white teeth. I think this job is fucking with my moral compass. I digress.
Of course, we showed pictures of Jacob backstage, pacing like a wolf, as Edward told how Jacob was always after his girlfriend, even after she became pregnant with Renesmee Carlie. He told in heartbreaking detail of Jake's deception to get Bella in the cave, and of his torture having to watch as his girlfriend slept while Jake in all his naked glory dry-humped her throughout the night. He spoke in great detail about Jacob's rock hard abs and his bulging biceps. He seemed a little obsessed, to be honest. Looking at Jake, I couldn't really blame him. I might be a little gay for this kid, too. Fucking moral compass. DESTROYED.
Then out came Jacob, and at first the audience booed, but then Jake took his shirt off, and there were sighs of admiration and longing from everyone in the crowd. I think Edward was drooling and smirking at the same time, if that's even possible. Jake seemed nervous, as well he should be, when I took out the large manila envelope. This was my moment.
"In the case of Chilly Barley," I shrieked, milking my moment. "YOU, BELLA CULLEN, are NOT THE MOTHER."
Bella and Edward embraced, with creepy little Renesmee grinning between them.
"I knew you were up to something when I was nomnomming her uterus!" Edward yelled. "You were putting that baby up her hoo-ha, weren't you!"
Jacob cried like a bitch and tried to run away, but our security guards caught him. Then he totally phased into a wolf. ON CAMERA. I may get a Pulitzer for this, or at least a Peabody. Suck it Springer, suck it long and hard. One security guard is still in intensive care, but we're milking that angle too. Anyway, that's when I called out my surprise guest.
"Leah Clearwater, can you come out here please?" I call, and the hottest looking Indian (feathers, not dots) chick comes out. She's wearing tiny jorts, like Jacob's, and a bikini top with extra triangles for some reason. She's practically a Playboy centerfold. With extra boobs. And who doesn't like extra boobs?
"GIVE ME MAH BABY!" she yells, and lurches after Chilly Barley.
Then, she did something that is going to make my ratings forever. She whipped out a boob and breastfed him RIGHT ON STAGE. ON CAMERA. It was epic. She had, like, six teats on her belly. I'd never seen anything like it.
VAHEAEG!
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