Kuulujutud

This good-looking young couple will announce their engagement. Their relationship was conceived in the office of their publicist/s, so don’t hold your breath for a wedding. They are already scheduled to break up before the end of next year. While they are both attractive people, one of them is considerably more talented than the other.

ma söön oma mütsi ära, kui üks neist pole Edward ja teine Bella.

on aeg teha omad pakkumised! juba teised tvailaiditeemalised sel lõppeval aastal!

HEAD UUT AASTAT!

viimase hetke jõulukingiabi!

Lugeja otsib...

katsume aidata:

1. kui on ikka juba mull verdi, siis soovitan tohtri poole pöörduda. mitte, et me ei oskaks diagnoosida, aga me ei taha.

2. JAH!

3. VÄGA!


4. alati...

Valgeid jõule!

Armsad lugejad!

Kuigi meile ei meeldi, et te siin käite (eriti teie, väikesed kriipid mängukoopaelanikud), pole me päris kivist (kuigi Edgar sädeleb kuuvalgel) ning advendiaeg on meid ootuspäraselt tsipa leebemaks muutnud. Seepärast, tibud, soovime teile rahulikku jõuluaega; avage kingitusi ja loodetavasti on seal midagi, mis teile piripottidele rõõmu valmistab, kuigi on selge, et igaühele ei jagu päris ehtsat Jastini piiberit; õgige end lömmi, sest pole midagi lihtsamat kui pärast peldikus näpud kurku ajada. Emmake oma lähedasi ja vaadake American Horror Storyt (Tate´i beebi tapab hooaja lõpus oma lapsehoidja ja Ben puuakse üles). Kes tööl käib, siis: teisipäeval on tööpäev. Ja siin on meie ühiste pingutuste tulemusel valminud jõulukaart:

Rõõmsaid pühi!

Pahbiiriblogipere

Püha perekond

jõulud lähenevad... esimese jõulutervituse panevad teele need friigid. (no vot ei leia linki!) kaunis abielupaar: naine 17, mees 51. aastat. mitte cm.

All you women folk, don't stare too long or else you'll fall in loooooove

“He said, ‘Endel is coming and I need really good service, so who’s going to serve him?’ A woman spoke up. ‘No, no, it can’t be a woman, because he’s so good looking, any woman would fall for him.’ So a guy had to take the job.” 

Lugemispäevik 20

Jätkan lugemist.

Edward lohistab Bella mööda esikut õue, vinnab ta omale õlale ja sammub vihaselt urisedes paadikuuri poole. Kui paadikuuri jõuab, paneb halogeenlambid põlema ja tassib Bella paadikuuri teisele korrusele. Sest! Edward on nii rikas et isegi tema paadikuuril on mitu korrust! Paadikuuri teine korrus on dekoreeritud nautikaalses uusinglise stiilis. Waterside supper with riparian entertainment!


Edward viskab Bella mürtsti maha ja ronib ise peale. On aeg meelde tuletada, et Edward on imeilus meesolend. Edward ähib, sest koorem oli raske ja majast paadikuurini oli pikk tee.

„Ära näkku löö,“ kiunatab Bella.
Edward pungitab silmi.
Bella silitab Edwardi habemetüügast ja bakenbardi. Edward mõmiseb ja Bella sasib ta juuksemoppi.


Panevad tatti, keelega. Kaaaaaaaua.
Siis Edward põrkub äkki Bellast eemale ja sisistab: „Mida sa teed, naine?“
„Dunno, tatti panen?“ küsib Bella ja plõksutab silmi.
„Ah nüüd paned tatti a enne kui ma heameelega oleks sind oma vanemate söögilauas põrutanud siis istusid pipra näoga ja ei lasknud mul korralikult kintsu kabistada.“
„Perv rsk, vanemate söögilauas…“
„Keegi pole mulle ei öelnud,“ möirgab Edward, „ja see on nii kuum! Tule siia, tots!“ ja tõmbab Bella vastu oma valusat erekat. „Ja pealeselle on mu meel kusine, et sa ilma luba küsimata tahad Kundasse minna ja et sa lihaselise meesiludusega väljas käisid. Aga ikka eriti ma olen pahane et sa mul ennast kabistada ei lasknud. Ja kui sa mul ennast peksta ei lase siis ma [tsenseeritud] sind siin pehmel sohval. Oma lõbuks! Mitte sinu!“ Edward on pajatamise käigus Bella ploomikarva kleiti muudkui üles rullinud. Jutu lõpuks on Bellal perse peaaegu paljas. Edward suskab oskuslikult käe hopsti kleidi alla ja paneb käe Bella [tsenseeritud] ja juba vana rada pidi supsti näpp sisse. Same old, same old.

„Minu! Minu! See kõik on minu!“ ähib Edward kurjalt ja lurtsutab näpuga. Ise vahib leekivate silmadega et mis nägu Bella on. Bella on sellise rumala lamba näoga ja ei mõista öelda muud kui et „Jah, sinu!“ ja ähib Edwardile suhu. Ja siis Edward ühekorraga tõmbab välja näpu ja püksist oma [tsenseeritud], lükkab Bella sohvale ja ronib ise otsa. „Käed pea peale! Ei lähe kaua!“ röögatab ta Bellale, ise kisub taskust kantossipakki. Kantoss paigale seatud (over his impressive length) karjub Edward Bellale “See on mulle mitte sulle! Kui sa peaks [tsenseeritud] siis ma annan peksa sulle!“ Ja selle magusa armujutu lõpetuseks rammib [tsenseeritud] [tsenseeritud], vihaselt [tsenseeritud] [tsenseeritud], ise [tsenseeritud]. Ja juba Edward [tsenseeritud] [tsenseeritud], tõmbab välja ja vajub räntsaki Bellale peale.

Bellal jääb kõik pooleli ja kipitama. Edward tõuseb püsti ja vahib Bellat: „Ja ei [tsenseeritud] ennast ise näpuga! Ma tahan et sul oleks PAHA tunne! Sedasi paha tunne on mul siis kui mulle keelatakse seda mis on õigusega minu!“

Bella, lammas, noogutab jälle usinalt. Edward tõmbab kantossi ära, seob otsast sõlme ja topib tasku. Jeah. Bella surub jalad risti. Edward tõmbab püksiluku kinni. „Lähme majja tagasi“ ütleb ta Bellale natuke lahkemalt. „Näh, sähke, võta oma trussikud.“ Bella võtab trussikud ja varjab võidukat irvet aga ise mõtleb et on nyt on tullut pikku punishment fuck aga samas ka võit kasutatud trussikute näol.


„EDWARD!!“ kostab paadikuuri allkorruselt võimas naishääl. „Õeke Alice!“ pobiseb Edward pahaselt. Bella tõmbab rutuga trussikud jalga ja silub juukseid. Alice tipib mööda trepikäsipuud ja hüppab tuppa. „Saux mis teete!“
„Näitasin Bellale oma õngelanti! Läki.“
Lähevad, trepist alal minnes näpistab Edward Bellat persest.

Majas tagasi, Rosalie ja Emmet, Esme ja pahasti istuva odava parukaga Carlisle jätavad pidulikult hüvasti. Rosalie embab Bellat ja vahib vihaselt Edwardit. Alice embab Emmetit, Emmet Bellat, Bella Rosaliet, Rosalie Emmetit, Emmet Edwardit, Edward Bellat. Esme kudistab ja musitab Edward-poissi. Emme poja! Edwardil on piinlik.

Kõik lähevad minema. Autos tuleb Esmel ja pahasti istuva odava parukaga Carlislel meelde et fuuuuk, meie enda maja oli!


Edward küsib Bellalt kas ta tohib kaasa minna kui Bella emale Kundasse külla läheb. Bella hakkab keerutama. „Tahtsin natuke aega maha võtta tead, mõtiskleda… asi on üsna … pinges meil, tead.“
Edward keerab pea kraksti küljele ja vahib Bellat. „Pinges?? MINA??“
Bella naerab vihaselt.
„Kas sa naerad mind??“ käratab Edward.
„Ei“ tõmbab Bella suu viltu. „Kes siis julgeks sind naerda.“
„Mulle nagu tundub et sa naerad.“
„Ahahahahahaa! Naerangi! Sind! Sest sa oled naljakas!“
„Mis sa seal Kundas mõtiskled, Bella? Kas sul on meie lepingu osas kahtlusi.“
„Võibla.“

Edward hakkab närviliselt nihelema. Ah, life is HARD, mõtleb Bella. Oh, Edward, minu arm on nii lõõmav ent hirm on suur ja peksa ka ei tahaks saada! Aga kõvasti ei ütle midagi.
„Mh?“ togib Edward Bellat küsivalt ribidesse. „Mh?“

Bella pilgutab silmi: „Mul on ikka see värk et tahaks ROHKEM!“
„Ma tean, kurat võtaks, ma püüan!“

Bellal läheb sellepeale meel nii rõõmsaks et teeb kohe turvavöö lahti ja kargab mauh Edwardi sülle. Aga autot, mõistagi, juhib, mõistagi, Taylor-non-lautner.


Embavad, ähivad üksteisele suhu ja Edward ütleb: „Jää öösiks mu man!“
„Jaaaaa, jään! Jään ja kirjutan lepingule ka alla!“ ütleb Bella kärmelt.
„Noh, oota, kirjuta kui Kundast tagasi oled. Mõtle ikka asi läbi.“
„Ok“
Sõidavad edasi vaikides.
„Pane turvavöö kinni“ ütleb Edward.


Jõuavad Edwardi hiiglaslikku klaasist koju. Kui liftiga sõidavad siis Bella mõtleb et Edward tahab temaga [tsenseeritud] sest ta ei maga ju kellegi kõrval öösiti. Noh, Bella kõrval on küll maganud mitu korda. Aga muidu ju ütles et ei maga, ju siis ei maga nüüd enam ja Bella suunurgad vajuvad rippu. Edward vaatab tead ja ütleb: „Ükspäev ma veel [tsenseeritud] sind siin liftis! A mitte praegu sest mulle tundub et sa oled unine.“

Härrasmees!

Lähevad magamistuppa. „Mida rutem sa voodisse kerid, seda rutem oled [tsenseeritud] [tsenseeritud] ja saad tudile jääda“ ütleb Edward ja tõmbab viuh Bella ploomikarva kleidi seljast ära ja viskab üle õla: „tadaa!“
Bella kihistab ja plaksutab. Edward kummardab. „Mis trikke sa veel oskad?“ küsib Bella. Edward jääb mõttesse. „Tahad [tsenseeritud]?“
„Ei“ hingeldab Bella.
Edwardi suu vajub kurvalt allapoole.
„Ma tahan et sa jagaksid minuga sulnist armurõõmu.“

Edward sügab tükk aega kahe väikse õudsa peenraarehaga oma pead.
„Ma tahan sind rinnust katsuda!“ anub Bella.
Edward ehmatab ja astub kärmelt Bellast eemale: „Ei!“

„Wtf, mis tähendab ’ei’?“ läheb Bella vihale.
„Ei nagu ei. Mul pea valutab. Selg ka. Ma olen väsinud, ma tahan magada, heaööd, hrrr ... zzzz … hrrr … zzz.“

Bella togib Edwardit: „No mis krdi värk on? Miks ei või katsuda??“
Edward teeb nagu magaks.


„Mul on vaja sitamajja minna!“ vigiseb Bella
„No mine siis, lollakas oled või, sitamajja minemiseks ei pea luba küsima.“
„Ahhaa! Sa ei magagi!“
Edward vahib etteheitvalt ja Bella spurdib sitamajja.

Peldikus saab Bella Anuksilt peksa. Peksa ja sõimata. Bella karjub natuke endale suhu, siis võtab Edwardi hambaharja, pigistab pool tuubi pastat peale ja hakkab hambaid pesema. Uksele kostab koputus.
„Kes on?“ küsib Bella.
„Это я, почтальон Печкин, принес заметку про вашего мальчика!“

Edward tuleb sisse ja vahib õudusega oma hambaharja. Edward on väga ilus! Bella sülitab kraanikaussi suure läraka, siis loputab hambaharja ära ja ulatab Edwardile. Edward võtab harja ja pistab omale suhu. Seksü!


Lähevad voodisse. Edward istub jalad ristis voodiservale, langetab pea ja ütleb kumedalt: „Ah, mul on probleeme, sa ei tea, ma olen omadega nii puntras, nii puntras, viiskend tooni! Ja mul oli nii raske lapsepõlv.“
„Räägi mulle lähemalt!“
„Ei!“
„Kokktiiser! Räägi ikka!“
„Ei!“
„Ma luban sul mulle peksa anda kui sa räägid!“
„E—ohoh.“

Edward läheb võtab sahtlist midagi ja tuleb Bella juurde: „Püsti!“
Bella tõuseb püsti. Edward näitab mis tal pihus on – nööri otsas kaks ümmargust läikivat hõbedast kuulikest.

Kas hõbekuulid vampiiride tapmiseks?
Vale!
Pallid Bellale [tsenseeritud] pistmiseks.


„Uued!“ ütleb Edward uhkelt. „Need ma pistan nüüd sulle [tsenseeritud] ja siis ma laksan sind. No ja siis me muidugi [tsenseeritud].“

Mõeldud-tehtud, Edward pistab pallid Bellale [tsenseeritud], tõmbab Bella omale põlvepeale, tagumiku paljaks ja hakkab lahtise käega laksama.

Vab!! Unustasin öelda, et enne pallide paigaldamist lükkas Edward näpu Bella [tsenseeritud].


Niisiis, pallid paigaldatud, Edward hakkab lahtise käega laksama, ise ähib kähedalt. Kantossipaki on juba öökapikesele valmis pannud.
„Ütle!“ kähistab Edward.
„Mida ma pean ütlema?“
„Ütle et ma laksaksin!“
„Laksa, massa, laksa!!“

Ja massa laksab. Ühe käega laksab, teisega sikutab Bella pead patsist.
„Ma tahan su nägu näha!“ kähistab Edward.

Edward laksab, pallid põrkuvad ja Bella ähib, mõtleb imestusega et trussikud on tal ikka veel jalas ja ähib edasi.

Edward teeb väikse pausi ja koorib Bella trussikud maha. Laksab veel kaks korda ja sikutab [tsenseeritud] väljarippuvast nöörist ja tõmbab raksti pallid välja. Bella ähib himukalt. Edward kisub kantossipaki lahti, katab oma hiiglasliku liikme ja lükkab [tsenseeritud] [tsenseeritud] sisse. Pumpab aeglaselt aga ettevaatlikult ja [tsenseeritud] ilma pikema jututa.

Edward tõuseb püsti ja läheb toob vannitoast suure kreemituubi ja määrib Bella tulitava perse pantenooliga sisse. Bella haigutab ja tuletab Edwardile kokkulepet meelde, asugu rääkima.

Edward langetab pea ja ütleb: „Naine, kes mind siia ilma sünnitas, oli mõnuainesõltlasest lõbulinnuke! Suri ära kui ma olin neljane. Head ööd.“
„Head ööd.“

Ja sedasi süngetes toonides lõpeb 20. peatükk (of 26).

kummagi jala jaoks

high-top converses

 mulle-seni-tundmatu-aga-nüüd-armastatud-austin-poiss

vana-hea-piiber-poiss

ausõna.... vanainimese töntz silm ei tee vahet: on kaks eri inimest v?

Kiri jõuluvanale

Kunst kuulub rahvale!

täna on siis selline päev.... kultuurne!


täis ilu ja elamusi....

salsa cookies!

I’M BACK FUCKERS!!!!!

Endel on tõusnud nagu fiiniks tuhast!

ei läinud eriti palju aega enne kui edevus laiskusest võitu sai...



i’ve always carried a healthy fascination for the phoenix bird - that out of chaos and your own ashes, a new you begins. better, smarter and evolved. and you carry your old experiences in a brand new body, an old soul in a young mind.
so these are my ashes. 
and this is my brand new start.

Inglismaal on klässid leedid. Mitte nagu meil provintsis.

does my boyfriend like me?

Robert Pattisson tuleb Tallinnasse!!!

Peaaegu. Kräu kräu kräääuuu.

jesus mary and jerome

KOHTADELE! EESRIIE! ANTON TŠEHHOV - KAJAKAS

Chekhov POV:

SORIN: Do you know, my boy, I like literary men. I once passionately desired two things: to marry, and to become an author. I have succeeded in neither. It must be pleasant to be even an insignificant author.

TREPLIEFF: [Listening] I hear footsteps! [He embraces his uncle] I cannot live without her; even the sound of her footsteps is music to me. I am madly happy. [He goes quickly to meet NINA, who comes in at that moment] My enchantress! My girl of dreams!

NINA: [Excitedly] It can't be that I am late? No, I am not late.

TREPLIEFF:[Kissing her hands] No, no, no!

NINA: I have been in a fever all day, I was so afraid my father would prevent my coming, but he and my stepmother have just gone driving. The sky is clear, the moon is rising. How I hurried to get here! How I urged my horse to go faster and faster!

Tim Gunn, Celebrity Beta POV: [coughs discreetly, waving his crisp linen pocket square to get Chekhov's attention, whispers]

Chekhov POV: Um, ahem, what? But is this not The Sea-gull? For it says so, right at the very top!

Tim Gunn, Celebrity Beta POV: I'm a connoisseur of your entire catalogue, Mr. Chekhov, but trust me, this isn't the audience you should be canvassing.

Chekhov POV: My mistake ... BRB, working on angst fic.

vaheajaks ka mõtlemisainet

Have you read Stephen King's Carrie, or maybe you saw the movie with Sissy Spacek? No? If you have, just skip over this. If you haven't all you need to know is that Carrie is a skeered girl with a crazy mom who doesn't tell her anything about being a woman other than it's all shameful and she calls boobs "dirty pillows" and Carrie gets confused when she gets her period, and the girls in high school locker room, not having Facebook at that time, just throw tampons at her (yeah, like they'd admit to having one if you needed it, AND ALSO feminine hygiene products are motherfucking expensive; like they'd really waste their perfectly good tampons just to torment the weird naked girl bleeding from her vagina; like REALLY, the telekinesis I can believe, but the wanton wasting of expensive tampons: you just lost me, Stephen King—oh wait, I just remembered that I think they broke the tampon dispenser in the girls' room to get the tampons, but still, it's a waste of feminine hygiene product, Mr. King, and the wasting of finite feminine-hygiene resources is everyone's business) and then commit horrible girl-on-girl violence to her until she gets pigs' blood dumped on her at prom (oh, NOW you've heard of it), and then she kills everyone with her brain. Which is why higher education is not good for women. Because they will kill you. With their brain. On account of the bleeding from the vagina.

7. PEATÜKK

EVEN MORE SEVERAL MORE WEEKS LATER 

Maury POV:

I've done a lot of paternity shows, but this was my first maternity one. I almost didn't do it until they told me it involved a love triangle between a human girl, a vampire, and a wolfboy, and that they were all good-looking. This could be my best rating show ever. Suck on that, Springer.
Best thing was, I did my research beforehand. Of course I knew the test results before the show. You think we leave that up to chance? They kind of pulled a fast one on me when the mom showed up as a vampire, too, but they had some old DNA samples from the bloodbath that was the C-Section. Then I got a whiff of the babies' names and almost called Child Protective Services for that reason alone. No children, not even mutant ones, deserve names like that. I've been doing this show a long time, and I know without a doubt that Renesmee Carlie would be back on this stage in no time, this time as an out-of-control teen, stripping and hooking for attention and money and saying "Whatevuhhh! Ah do what ah want!" And Chilly Barley, well... That wolf-baby has no chance at a decent life. Maybe after this show that would all change.
I had a big surprise up my sleeve for these guys.
They came on stage one at a time, and the audience went wild. All the women screamed at the closeted homosexual vampire called Edward, and for some reason all the men in the audience seemed to want to ask Bella to some dance. They both rolled their eyes repeatedly at all the unwanted attention, like they were bored with it all. The audience ATE IT UP. We played soft music while we told their sweet love story, and showed pictures of the adorable Renesmee Carlie. She was going to make a lot of money as a stripper, you could tell just by the pictures of her tiny, perfect, milky-white teeth. I think this job is fucking with my moral compass. I digress.

Of course, we showed pictures of Jacob backstage, pacing like a wolf, as Edward told how Jacob was always after his girlfriend, even after she became pregnant with Renesmee Carlie. He told in heartbreaking detail of Jake's deception to get Bella in the cave, and of his torture having to watch as his girlfriend slept while Jake in all his naked glory dry-humped her throughout the night. He spoke in great detail about Jacob's rock hard abs and his bulging biceps. He seemed a little obsessed, to be honest. Looking at Jake, I couldn't really blame him. I might be a little gay for this kid, too. Fucking moral compass. DESTROYED.
Then out came Jacob, and at first the audience booed, but then Jake took his shirt off, and there were sighs of admiration and longing from everyone in the crowd. I think Edward was drooling and smirking at the same time, if that's even possible. Jake seemed nervous, as well he should be, when I took out the large manila envelope. This was my moment.
"In the case of Chilly Barley," I shrieked, milking my moment. "YOU, BELLA CULLEN, are NOT THE MOTHER."
Bella and Edward embraced, with creepy little Renesmee grinning between them.
"I knew you were up to something when I was nomnomming her uterus!" Edward yelled. "You were putting that baby up her hoo-ha, weren't you!"
Jacob cried like a bitch and tried to run away, but our security guards caught him. Then he totally phased into a wolf. ON CAMERA. I may get a Pulitzer for this, or at least a Peabody. Suck it Springer, suck it long and hard. One security guard is still in intensive care, but we're milking that angle too. Anyway, that's when I called out my surprise guest.
"Leah Clearwater, can you come out here please?" I call, and the hottest looking Indian (feathers, not dots) chick comes out. She's wearing tiny jorts, like Jacob's, and a bikini top with extra triangles for some reason. She's practically a Playboy centerfold. With extra boobs. And who doesn't like extra boobs?
"GIVE ME MAH BABY!" she yells, and lurches after Chilly Barley.
Then, she did something that is going to make my ratings forever. She whipped out a boob and breastfed him RIGHT ON STAGE. ON CAMERA. It was epic. She had, like, six teats on her belly. I'd never seen anything like it.

VAHEAEG!

6. PEATÜKK

THREE DAYS LATER

Bella POV:

So, yeah, I was a vampire now, and I had two babies. They'd hiss at each other in their little shared crib. Rosalie clucked over them like she'd never read Betty Friedan, and she wouldn't let me near them. She thought I'd see them like delicious roast chickens and try to nom on them, but I was a good mom. I would never nom on my baby-babies. I mean, shit, yo.
Edward had been distant ever since my change. He gave me the cold-I mean, colder shoulder, certain I'd cheated on him with Jacob to make Chilly Barley. I desperately wanted Edward to fuck me senseless now that I had vampire strength and a clit that finally could be pinched and stretched to the ceiling and back, so I thought maybe a paternity test would make him feel better about things. Carlisle took care of it all, and he tried to drag out the findings more than the stupid American Idol results show. But it didn't matter, because Edward could read minds anyway, so as soon as Carlisle came into the living room with the crisp manila envelope, Edward ran at me with his hands out, yelling, "You slattern! You laid with that dog, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?" His hands closed around my neck, and he choked me as hard as he could, which was pretty hard, but come on, have you ever heard of a vampire that was choked to death? Lamesauce.
"I'm sorry, Edward," said Carlisle with his stupid ass face full of stupid ass compassion. "But yes, Jacob is the father of Chilly Barley."
Edward started whimpering like a little girl, and Jacob came out of nowhere and did a victory lap, singing "We Are the Champions" at the top of his lungs.
I was so not getting laid anytime soon. Fucking werewolf and fucking double pregnancy. Fuck my fucking fertility.

5. PEATÜKK

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

Bella POV:

The epic battle still weighing heavily on my mind. I felt so guilty, all this destruction that had taken place because of lil' ol' me. The baby inside me broke my spine, which hurt like a sonuvabitch.


Bella's Spine POV:

Truth. And OW MOTHERFUCKING OW.


Bella POV:

So then my water broke, and it was like that liquidy stuff inside a snowglobe, clear with glittery things in it. "Our baby is coming, darling Edward!" I cried out as the baby kicked one of my vertebrae so hard that it burst out of my back skin.

vertebrae & dicks

But all I had to do was look at Edward's greenerscotch pools, and I was calm. "My love, my love!" I said over and over, while he filed his teeth on an emery board.

"Are you ready for me to OM NOM NOM your uterus?" Edward asked.
"What about our birth plan?" I said. "I thought we were going to play Yanni in a darkened room, and I was going to do my deep breathing, and you were going to massage my perineum with your venom."
"Right. Of course," he said with chagrin, but fuck him, I fucking love Yanni.

Then Jacob came in the room. "... when ... did ... you ... get so fat?" I asked, doing Lamaze breaths in between words.
His stomach seemed to be moving. And he was wearing a trenchcoat. Actually it was hospital scrubs fashioned into a trenchcoat, and I remembered that he was a whiz at Home Ec.
"I'm not fat, I'm just getting bigger abs," he said proudly. I thought I heard his abs whimper a little. Maybe he was working them too hard.
I waited for my cervix to dilate, but all I could feel was kicking and vertebrae being kicked out of place and ribs cracking, and then Edward said, "Oh fornicate me, it has to be now!" and he took a big bite out of my belly. CHOMP.
"Epidural!" I shouted in agony, but Edward had tasted my delicious blood, and he couldn't stop OM NOM NOMMing. Jacob seemed awfully happy about something, and why the fuck was he in the delivery room anyway? Did he have doula training? I guess since he was all Native American and shit, maybe he knew some special stuff the Palefaces didn't about cervixes and whatnot.
Edward lifted up this creepy looking baby. Because I'm an AP Biology student, I immediately identified it as female.
That fucker checked to see if I was right.
"Yep, it's a girl," he said, biting her umbilical cord like he was trying to floss and covering her up with my mushroom ravioli hoodie. I looked at him smugly through my eyelashes. "And she's got teeth already. Daddy's little girl nomnommed on Mommy's uterus too, didn't you, baby? So helpful already, doing chores."
"Her name shall be RENESMEE, a clever combining of the names Renee and Esme," I said, and everyone gasped at what a beautiful name I had created.
They were so jealous. They were about to get even impossibly barely perceptibly more jealouser.
"And her middle name shall be CARLEY, which, if you simpletons can follow the pattern, is an equally clever combination of Carlisle and Charlie." Yes, another round of jealous gasps. Nailed it!
"Jesus Christ," said Emmett under his breath. I think he's going to ask me to give him a new name, because I'm so good at naming people. If he's nice, I'll hook him up.
"Good job with the name," Rose said, snatching up my baby. "Now go ahead and die already."
"WAIT! I SEE ANOTHER BABY!" yelled Jake from between my legs. I hadn't noticed him down there, what with my spine being broken and all. I was double pregnant? How did that happen? Could that night in the sleeping bag ... ? He held up another baby, who had tan skin, black gleaming hair and well defined abdominal muscles.
Edward scowled at me.
"I thought it was a dream!" I shrugged defensively. "Besides, that baby doesn't even look like me."
"Give our baby an awesome name too," said Jake.
"Ummm, let me think for a second... We shall call him Barley! Wait, no, Chilly! Wait, I've got it! He shall be named Chilly Barley!" I cried, and everyone gasped again.
Then I noticed how much blood was everywhere, and how everyone looked like they wanted to nomnom on me. Then they all nomnommed a little bit, and I started noticing the venom was really really hurting. And it was really hard, because I just had a baby. Or maybe two. You know? I started to feel faint.
"Jake ..." I said with gasping breaths, looking more closely at his homemade hospital scrubs trenchcoat-was that hand-beading? "You're ... such ... a ... pussy ..." were my last words.

chili barley OM NOM NOM

4. peatükk (armsad pisitillukesed lugejad)

MOMENTS LATER

Bella POV:

I woke up wet and twitching on my insides, and Jacob was staring at me with lust and ew gross. Although that twelve-pack was looking pretty good, not gonna lie. "I had a strange dream," I said. "I think it means ... caring is sharing. Jacob, you are supposed to share me with Edward! Either that, or I need to eat more spinach bc I'm borderline anemic from only nibbling at veg ravioli and lasagna and drinking lemonade a couple days a week?"
"Sure, sure, Bells," said Jacob, and the guy was so pussy-whipped that I didn't know how he even could pee standing up. I supposed that when he peed as a wolf, it was on all fours anyway, or on three legs with a back leg in the air, and I wondered if he peed with his left rear leg or right rear leg in the air, and if he ate his own poo.

And then I would never be sure if it were a hallucination from being so cold or if it really happened, but Jake kind of humped my leg, but my body was so numb from the cold that I couldn't tell if he was just humping my leg or if his penis fell in me a few times.
I heard dozens of vampire feet marching, and then I knew it was time for the Epic Battle of Epicness.


Lazy Narrator POV:

So yeah, there was, uh, fighting. Like, vampires came. Victoria was there with newborn vamps. It looked dicey for a while, and right when you thought Edward or Jacob were going to get eaten or have their heads ripped off or something cool, it was all [fwah fwah] loser horn and the battle was over before it ever got awesome. "Premature Ejaculation Bear!" scolded a hundred pastel-colored bears in another dimension.

vahele ka tänane statistikalaks

ah fuck it... this shit is priceless. tuleb 3. PEATÜKK

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

Lazy Narrator POV:
 
So then there was like some dramaz with Victoria and her newborn vampire army because of some old grudge match. Oh and also, Bella had met Jacob, who was a werewolf. He liked her alot, and she used him whenever Edward wasn't paying enough attention to her. Then Jake would fix her truck for her. And by "truck" I mean "vagina." Also, motorcycles. He took off his shirt alot.

Jacob POV:

My cunning plan had worked. For someone who can read minds, Edward fell into that trap way too easily. I was shocked at how easily he had given in, even though I was having fantasies about doing Bella in the cave I had picked out for us. Either he was zoning out on my constant fantasies about his girlfriend or he didn't stop to think that human Bella spending the night in a frozen cave with nobody but her frozen boyfriend and her hot, sweaty "best" friend wasn't going to end up with me as her human electric blanket. Maybe he just wanted to watch. Perv.
Whatever, Leech, just as long as I get the chance to get up in them guts, I'll be happy.
If I wore a watch, I'd be looking at it right now. Any minute now, they're going to fold, and ask me to come warm her up. I didn't count on them being so dense, or masochistic, like some sort of weird masochistic lion, because everyone in our tribe knows that lions are the only creatures in the animal world that show masochistic tendencies f'reals, I read it in a book in the La Push Bookmobile, or some combination of the two. Her teeth were going to chatter right off.
"N-n-n-nooooo, Edward, I'm n-n-not c-c-c-c-c-old!" she protested weakly.
"My darling, you are carrying my child, therefore you must stay warm. If not for you then for me. If not for me, then for the baby, which we both agree and have seen in dream-visions is most certainly a boy. Bella, before I met you my life was a sunless sky, with some kind of interesting stars, or at least passing jets, but nothing truly worth my precious time. It was like that time after sunset but before the night comes, I think there's a name for it, it might make a good title for a book maybe, crepuscular ... no that's not right ... early evening light? Anyway, Bella, before you-" he kept droning on and on, lapsing into what I suspect was iambic pentameter.
Wait, WHAT? Bella getting knocked up by a leech was going to put a damper on my plans for our Happily Ever After.
On the other hand, pregnant pussy can't get pregnant. NICE.
On the other hand, if pregnant pussy COULD get pregernant, like double pregernant, then I could even the score with Mister Prissy Pants over there, and she'd still have to choose. I decided to move on to Phase II of Operation Make Bella My Bitch without them. It would be better if it were one of their ideas, but she was starting to get frostbite and he seemed to be just getting started on a long monologue about his epic love for her. Christ-I mean, Quileute Wolf Spirit-this was boring.
I walked in, wearing only my tiny cutoff jorts, vadgelike cave-drawing tat, and my stunning 12-pack of abdominal muscles. And two tickets to the gun show.
"Hello, Biceps!" Bella said, clearly enjoying the gun show. I flexed them for her, and smiled in the toothy way she liked. Edward rolled his eyes. It sounded like marble spinning around in a stone bowl.
YEAH, CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO TWELVE PACK, AND VERY WEAK GUNS, I screamed at him in my mind. Just wanting to make sure he could hear me.
"Can you turn that down, please?" he winced. Booyah. "Yes, I can hear you, Jake. You don't have to shout. Yes, she likes your muscles, and technically you do look better without a shirt on than I do. Technically you are also jailbait. So, calm down, Bella. You are carrying my baby, after all, which totally makes you my mate."

Fucker. he had to bring that up again. 

"Yes, I did." he smirked. Asshole. "What are you doing here, Jake?"
"She's cold, and I'm 108 degrees, according to the giant meat thermometer in my jorts, no matter what the weather is doing."
"S-s-s-s-so?" Bella said, while Edward looked confused. Seriously, these kids are in honors classes? God, I hate palefaces.
"That's racist!" said Edward. "Don't they have race sensitivity training at that Injun Rez school of yours? Or are you all too busy setting up your casino?"
"DON'T YOU GET IT? I'm not just hot. I'm supernaturally hot. She needs me, Broseph. Bella, unzip that sleeping bag. Imma get up on you."
"N-n-no!" Bella cried, though she was still staring at my abs and I swear, a little drool was coming out of her mouth. It was so fucking cold in there that the drool froze immediately into a little spit-sicle.
"My darling, if this is what it takes for you and my baby to survive, I am prepared to make this horrible sacrifice of watching you rub up against that incredibly hot, muscular, underaged man-boy with russet-potato skin and gleaming white teeth." Edward sighed melodramatically. I swear a little glitter-drool was coming out of his mouth too.
I knew he wasn't all the way straight. Just look at him.
Whatever, Leech. Look all you want, but the only creature in this room who can touch me is your luscious girlfriend here. He looked anguished, but also like he might be trying to hide a stiffy. Gross.
Oh man, Why didn't I stock some Barry White up in here? I thought as I climbed in the sleeping bag. It was going to be awkward with the leech perving out in the corner. Bella was already snoring. Like that would stop me. I didn't want to talk to her, after all. I just wanted to plow her fertile fields, and she didn't need to be awake for that shit. Sleep on, girl. I'll catch your dreams. Because nothing says "NATIVE AMERICAN" like a cheesy dream-catcher.

Bella POV:


I was so fucking cold. Colder than that time I'd fallen asleep in the woods when Edward tried to leave me for my own good. I was going to die. Suddenly I wasn't cold anymore. It was like an electric blanket had been wrapped around me. I thought for some reason of hoodies and a platter of mushroom ravioli, but I knew I must be dreaming.
A sinister old man was sitting in a chair. He had jowls like a bulldog. "BELLA SWAN SHOULD STOP DICKING AROUND AND JUST CHOOSE ONE OF THESE MEN!" he shouted. "Potter!"
A small guy with his dead mother's eyes and glasses and a lightning-bolt scar said, "Erm, pardon? I don't know why I am here."
"WRONG!" shouted the old guy. "Granger!"
"Well, anyone who has read Forks High: A History would know that you can't put a vampire and a werewolf in a blood-typing lab unless you have a strong draught of living death..." began a girl with crazy frizzy hair and buck teeth.
"WRONG!" shouted the old guy again. "The correct answer is BELLA SWAN IS A COCKTEASE, PURE AND SIMPLE."
"Ummm," said the guy in glasses.
"I'm quite sure that wasn't in Forks High: A History," huffed the frizzy-haired girl.
Then the old guy looked directly to me. "Next on The McLaughlin Group: WHY IS BELLA SWAN SUCH A STONE COLD BITCH? AND CAN WE SEE HER IN A THREEWAY?"
"Whut?" I said. "Ummm. Are you talking to me?" But he turned into a giant penis made of smoke. I ran to it, and I was surprised to see my grandmother there too, running for the giant smoke penis at the same speed I was. We would collide right around the smoky cock, but it disappeared around me, and I ran smack into her. Except she wasn't there. It was me. My reflection stared back at me, but I was icky and old and smelled like Ben-Gay. Where was the giant smoke penis? Where was my grandmother? Why did I not smell even a hint of freesia? Why was I old?
"Now serving 69!" said a voice, and a clit-shaped light flashed "69" again and again in the corner. I looked down at my hand, and I had a slip of paper with the number 69 on it.
"That's me!" I said, waving the paper.
"You are too old for 69," said the deli man behind the counter, who had a wolf's head but a pale, sparkling body.
"But I was promised a threeway!" I protested, pouting and kicking dust up with my Chucks. Yes, even in my dreams I wore Chucks. They were canon.

There were wavy lines, and I was transported to a magical place. Everything was two-dimensional and brightly colored. There was some sailor fellow with a squinty eye and HUGE forearms, probably from yanking his wankie, if you know what I'm sayin'. "Threeway, ya say?" He winked at me. "Bluto? Get your furry ass over here!"
I heard pounding, and then there was this great big bear of a man with a big black fuzzy beard like those stills of that young gentleman's crotch I saw from the new Broadway production of Equus.

"Yer not as skinny as Olive, but you'll do," said the big guy. "Popeye?" he asked, turning to his friend. "I didn't know you liked me like that, like in a cock-up-the-ass way."
"I yam what I yam," he said, and then things got weird.
"I want out!" I screamed, unable to handle the sight of the sailor guy with the large forearms deep-throating the industrial-sized can of spinach.
There were more wavy lines, and I was tied down in a big green field. I was naked, and there were tiny creatures licking and nibbling all over me. They looked like bears, but they were all colored like Froot Loops. "Caring is sharing!" they said as they took turns licking me.
One bear with a crooked rocket-looking thing on his chest strolled right up to me and stuck in his tiny bear penis. "Oops," he said a second later.
"Premature Ejaculation Bear!" chastised the other bears, hands on their adorable little stuffed bear hips.
"Never send in a boy bear to do a man bear's job," said a burly little bear.
"Neverending Erection Bear!" the others shouted, clapping their formless paws together and hopping up and down. He rammed into me until I was coming all over, and he looked at me. "What do we say, Bella Swan?"
"Uhh, thank you?"
"You had at least three orgasms by my count," said Neverending Erection Bear. Abacus Bear nodded solemnly, tapping the abacus on his belly.
"Thank you beary much?"
"Was that so hard?" he said, shaking his beary head. "Ungrateful teenagers."

to be cuntinued...

2. peatükk

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Pregnancy Test POV:
 
So there I was, minding my own business, when I felt a cold hand on my box. Yeah, I said it. My box. I was shoved roughly into a paper sack, and then went on a long ride. "How can you be, like, automatically pregnant?" this man kept saying. "We just, you know, did it."
"I don't know," monotoned voice, female, maybe, but just barely, "but I love it. I don't care if it breaks my spine and makes me drink blood and you have to chomp out my uterus to get it out. We are having this baby, Edward Cullen."
I was taken out of the sack, and then the cold fingers ripped my box open. Warmer hands took me, took off my hat, and then ... I couldn't even say it ... something fucking peed on me. Peed. That was so not cool. First the pink control line showed up. Then the second line indicating pregnancy showed up in the window. Then two little fangs appeared on the second line, indicating a freaky vampire-human hybrid pregnancy.
I heard something like the sound of a marble Adonis statue hitting cold bathroom tile.

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