SEVERAL DAYS LATER
The epic battle still weighing heavily on my mind. I felt so guilty, all this destruction that had taken place because of lil' ol' me. The baby inside me broke my spine, which hurt like a sonuvabitch.
Bella's Spine POV:
Truth. And OW MOTHERFUCKING OW.
Bella POV:
So then my water broke, and it was like that liquidy stuff inside a snowglobe, clear with glittery things in it. "Our baby is coming, darling Edward!" I cried out as the baby kicked one of my vertebrae so hard that it burst out of my back skin.
vertebrae & dicks
But all I had to do was look at Edward's greenerscotch pools, and I was calm. "My love, my love!" I said over and over, while he filed his teeth on an emery board.
"Are you ready for me to OM NOM NOM your uterus?" Edward asked.
"What about our birth plan?" I said. "I thought we were going to play Yanni in a darkened room, and I was going to do my deep breathing, and you were going to massage my perineum with your venom."
"Right. Of course," he said with chagrin, but fuck him, I fucking love Yanni.
Then Jacob came in the room. "... when ... did ... you ... get so fat?" I asked, doing Lamaze breaths in between words.
His stomach seemed to be moving. And he was wearing a trenchcoat. Actually it was hospital scrubs fashioned into a trenchcoat, and I remembered that he was a whiz at Home Ec.
"I'm not fat, I'm just getting bigger abs," he said proudly. I thought I heard his abs whimper a little. Maybe he was working them too hard.
I waited for my cervix to dilate, but all I could feel was kicking and vertebrae being kicked out of place and ribs cracking, and then Edward said, "Oh fornicate me, it has to be now!" and he took a big bite out of my belly. CHOMP.
"Epidural!" I shouted in agony, but Edward had tasted my delicious blood, and he couldn't stop OM NOM NOMMing. Jacob seemed awfully happy about something, and why the fuck was he in the delivery room anyway? Did he have doula training? I guess since he was all Native American and shit, maybe he knew some special stuff the Palefaces didn't about cervixes and whatnot.
Edward lifted up this creepy looking baby. Because I'm an AP Biology student, I immediately identified it as female.
That fucker checked to see if I was right.
"Yep, it's a girl," he said, biting her umbilical cord like he was trying to floss and covering her up with my mushroom ravioli hoodie. I looked at him smugly through my eyelashes. "And she's got teeth already. Daddy's little girl nomnommed on Mommy's uterus too, didn't you, baby? So helpful already, doing chores."
"Her name shall be RENESMEE, a clever combining of the names Renee and Esme," I said, and everyone gasped at what a beautiful name I had created.
They were so jealous. They were about to get even impossibly barely perceptibly more jealouser.
"And her middle name shall be CARLEY, which, if you simpletons can follow the pattern, is an equally clever combination of Carlisle and Charlie." Yes, another round of jealous gasps. Nailed it!
"Jesus Christ," said Emmett under his breath. I think he's going to ask me to give him a new name, because I'm so good at naming people. If he's nice, I'll hook him up.
"Good job with the name," Rose said, snatching up my baby. "Now go ahead and die already."
"WAIT! I SEE ANOTHER BABY!" yelled Jake from between my legs. I hadn't noticed him down there, what with my spine being broken and all. I was double pregnant? How did that happen? Could that night in the sleeping bag ... ? He held up another baby, who had tan skin, black gleaming hair and well defined abdominal muscles.
Edward scowled at me.
"I thought it was a dream!" I shrugged defensively. "Besides, that baby doesn't even look like me."
"Give our baby an awesome name too," said Jake.
"Ummm, let me think for a second... We shall call him Barley! Wait, no, Chilly! Wait, I've got it! He shall be named Chilly Barley!" I cried, and everyone gasped again.
Then I noticed how much blood was everywhere, and how everyone looked like they wanted to nomnom on me. Then they all nomnommed a little bit, and I started noticing the venom was really really hurting. And it was really hard, because I just had a baby. Or maybe two. You know? I started to feel faint.
"Jake ..." I said with gasping breaths, looking more closely at his homemade hospital scrubs trenchcoat-was that hand-beading? "You're ... such ... a ... pussy ..." were my last words.
chili barley OM NOM NOM
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