MOMENTS LATER
I woke up wet and twitching on my insides, and Jacob was staring at me with lust and ew gross. Although that twelve-pack was looking pretty good, not gonna lie. "I had a strange dream," I said. "I think it means ... caring is sharing. Jacob, you are supposed to share me with Edward! Either that, or I need to eat more spinach bc I'm borderline anemic from only nibbling at veg ravioli and lasagna and drinking lemonade a couple days a week?"
"Sure, sure, Bells," said Jacob, and the guy was so pussy-whipped that I didn't know how he even could pee standing up. I supposed that when he peed as a wolf, it was on all fours anyway, or on three legs with a back leg in the air, and I wondered if he peed with his left rear leg or right rear leg in the air, and if he ate his own poo.
And then I would never be sure if it were a hallucination from being so cold or if it really happened, but Jake kind of humped my leg, but my body was so numb from the cold that I couldn't tell if he was just humping my leg or if his penis fell in me a few times.
I heard dozens of vampire feet marching, and then I knew it was time for the Epic Battle of Epicness.
Lazy Narrator POV:
So yeah, there was, uh, fighting. Like, vampires came. Victoria was there with newborn vamps. It looked dicey for a while, and right when you thought Edward or Jacob were going to get eaten or have their heads ripped off or something cool, it was all [fwah fwah] loser horn and the battle was over before it ever got awesome. "Premature Ejaculation Bear!" scolded a hundred pastel-colored bears in another dimension.
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