SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER
I was feeling emo, as usual. I was flipping my hair and sighing, sick of watching my vampire siblings sexing it up on every piece of furniture in the house. "That is an EAMES chair, you dullards," I yelled as Rosalie and Emmett wiggled their jigglies. They were so juvenile. I got out of my flannel footie pajamas and into my totally smokin' sleeveless collared shirt. Unbuttoned. I was feeling saucy, so I wore the oatmeal-colored one instead of the taupe or heather gray. "We are going to be late for school," I said, popping the silent "p" in "school."
Silver Volvo POV:
Gosh it was hard sitting in the driveway all night. In the mornings, the moody one would drive me and his siblings to school. What a sham. They were all way too old to go there. Then they'd leave me in the parking lot with the other cars. The other cars didn't want to talk to me because I was a Volvo, and they were all, like, Chevys and Chryslers, nothing more exotic than maybe a Honda. Reverse snobbery, if you asked me, but no one ever did, because I was a fucking silver Volvo.
I was wondering if my tires made me look fat when the moody one came out of the house. Oatmeal today. He must have been feeling saucy. I wondered what the cause of his good mood was-he certainly looked as cranky as ever. The other sham-student-siblings followed him out to the car like a bunch of bloodthirsty baby ducklings, and then they were hopping into me as if I were a cheap Tijuana whore.
The moody one turned my ignition with artful, cold fingers. Cold, long fingers, like snaking vines of icy iciness. My bundle of circuits roared to life as he stroked the long, silver key in my keyhole. He gripped the shaft of my gear shift, setting me in motion. "This clutch is so tight," he moaned as he slowly reversed out of the driveway. I purred as I gently cupped his ass with my bucket seats.
He pounded his foot against my accelerator again and again and again, until I grunted in protest-after all, I was only a V6. I couldn't handle all this heavy ramming. He could have at least taken his shoes off first. I wanted to feel his socked foot twitching against my hard rubber accelerator. I fantasized about his longer-than-average phalanges. Mmm, phalanges.
I was getting a little hot under the hood. But then he ignored my brake. He always ignored my brake. Just a speed demon, no time for braking, the selfish prick.
Oh no, there it was, the brake, the brake, THE BRAKE! Ungh! Brake! Harder! Pound it! Unf! Unf! I could barely contain myself, my brake pads straining painfully against my tires, but before I could explode, we were already at the school. The moody one didn't stay in the car, didn't run his hands over my upholstery. No, he just turned off my ignition, just like that, and they all left me, bereft, empty, a vacuum of want.
Seven hours of solitude, alone despite being surrounded by so many cars, no one seeing my loneliness and alienation, not even my own rearview mirror. I would wait. I always waited for that jerk with the long, cool fingers.
Rearview Mirror POV:
God, I wished the car would shut the fuck up. I thought Edward was a whiny emo bitch, but he was nothing compared to Silver Volvo.
Silver Volvo POV:
I suspected the rearview mirror hated me. Maybe I was just paranoid.
Rearview Mirror POV:
The car was so not paranoid in thinking I hated his guts.
Car Air Freshener POV:
OMFG I wished the car and the rearview mirror would stop their silent war of seething and paranoia. I just wanted the world to smell good. Was that so wrong?
Hedwig POV:
It's been about 10 years since I was murdered, stuffed, and donated to science in the Muggle community. I wish I really were dead. All the way dead, I mean, instead of being mostly dead. As a magical creature frozen with magical embalming fluid, I am cursed to an eternity of witnessing the same Biology classes over and over again, year in and year out.
Mr. Banner never changes his jokes.
This year, we at least got a vampire in the classroom. At first I thought he was going to be interesting, like he'd kill some people or at least mesmerize them and sex up some ladies, like vampires do in movies. Anything to get Banner off his "script." But nothing. Every day, that vampire came in the classroom, wearing the dullest colors LL Bean has to offer, plus occasionally a muted blue, and every day he was polite, quiet, and made perfect grades. He even sat alone. He was cute, yeah, but otherwise the most boringest vampire I'd ever seen. He never did anything remotely interesting.
Until she came in. The lip-biting-blinky-mumbler called Bella Swan. Jesus, I thought 'Hedwig' was a shitty name. If I were a teenaged girl and my name was Bella Swan, I'd fucking change it, but no, when Banner tried to give her an out and called her Isabella, she was all, "Mumblemumbleno, it's just Bella umumummmmmmmm."
I wonder if she knows that it means "pretty." She HAS to know, right? It's AP Bio, for fuck's sake. Then the scent hit the fan. Literally. She totally bought that Suave Strawberry shampoo, and her hair kind of reeked of it. And she smelled like freesia and feminine odor, like she was trying to cover it up with the freesia. It didn't, it just...added to the confusion. I don't think anyone ever told her that is a cloying fucking combination, not to mention confusing. Do you want to smell edible or floral? Make up your mind. She should of just smeared maple syrup down there. Let me tell you, the scent totally freaked him out.
OMG it was so good. I totally wanted to tweet that shit, but my curse will not allow it. You should of been there-he looked like he totally jizzed in his pants and threw up a little in his mouth at the same time. Freesia and Strawberry. Confusing, right?
He probably did jizz in his pants. I thought he was going to finally bite someone until the bell rang and he ran out. LL Bean cannot run straight to save his life.
Anyhoo (get it?), LL Bean wasn't there for a while, so I had to watch Mumbella "call me pretty" Swan fidget like she had pinworms (mmmmmnomnomnom) all up in her anus for like, a week while Banner kept up his schtick. I really miss worms. Harry always gave me dried ones whenever. Sigh. I promised myself I wouldn't think about that. ANYWAY. So, Drakkar-ula Noir comes back and he's all chatty with her, like he wants to be her friend. Until they "accidentally" touch hands.
GIRL GOT ELECTROCUTED. Zapped. I mean, he did too, but since he's undead it didn't knock him out. And then, GET THIS-LL Bean takes care of her like she's a precious baby angel, but when she finally comes to, guess what he says?
He says, "I'd like to feel that touch on my divining rod, if you know what I mean." I think Banner's sense of humor was rubbing off on him. Gross, in so many ways.
And you know what that girl did? She just giggled. So much for women's lib. She laughed and practically flashed her tits at him. I think they skipped school after that. I can't see from here, but it kind of looked like they might have gone off into the woods, if Scabbers can be trusted. Yeah, I have to live with that douche for eternity too. FML.
FuckMyLife
Bella´s POV:
New school, new life, new friends, new guys falling all over themselves to be "helpful." God, my life was so hard. It was hard to be so pretty and not know it. It was hard to blink in Morse code. It was hard smelling so delicious all the time and having the tightest snatch and the drippiest ladyjuices. Damn hard.
As predicted, the boys in schoolyard were all up in my milkshake, because that's what always happened. Maybe that's what life was like when you were born and placed in swaddling hoodie into a platter of mushroom ravioli. My coming was fucking prophesied. Prophesied, bitches. They were wrestling with each other, trying to jockey for position to be first in line to carry my books, massage my shoulders... I sighed. It was so hard, all this attention. I could see how hard it was, in the crotches of their sad, small-town trousers.
Maybe I never should have left Arizona.
School was boring and predictable, and no one looked as pretty or smelled as delicious as I did. The usual. But at lunch, I saw gigantic green-no, wait, were they ... could they be ... butterscotch?-orbs, hair as bronze as a bronze Olympic medal for synchronized swimming, and an exceptionally saucy sleeveless, collared, button-down shirt. Was that color ... oatmeal? My heart fluttered. "Who's he?" I asked, my respectably ample b-cup bosom heaving.
"That Adonis guy? That's Edward Cullen. Yeah, don't bother. He doesn't 'do' girls." Somebody Lastnamesomeone gave me the four-one-one. She had a name, but fuck it, I didn't have to learn names. I was Bella Swan. Bella Swan didn't need to learn names of mere mortals.
"So he's gay?" I asked, biting my lip and blinking "strap on" in Morse code with my eyelids.
"No, not gay," said Whatsherface. "I mean, at least, it hasn't been documented. But he doesn't seem interested in the vag. Believe me, I've presented it on a silver platter for him at the all-you-can-eat pussy buffet. He ain't biting."
I licked my lips while he stared at me, all pale and sociopathic and greenish-butterscotchish orbular. Maybe a threeway is in my cards, I thought.
I thought of him the rest of the day, Mr. Saucy Oatmeal Green Orbserscotch, and wouldn't you know it, we had biology together. Biology. It was destiny. I mean, biology: that was all about animals and plants all sexing each other up, right? I wasn't AP for nothing. I was smart, or something. As far as I was concerned, AP stood for Accelerated Peen. There was only one empty seat in the class, and the teacher, Mr. Fuck-me-I-don't-have-to-remember-anyone's-name, told me to sit next to him, Mr. Green-Scotch Orbs. I got so wet right there, like, sploosh, and it spurted down my pants like Old Faithful, and right then, wouldn't you know it, I got caught up in the big fan at the front of the classroom. The odor of my cooter juices wafted on the artificial breeze, and I could see deep pools of green and butterscotch grow impossibly wider, deeper, and the lab table thumped like a bucking bronco from the twitching of his dick.
Lab Table POV:
OMFG was that his DICK hitting my underside? Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY? And I thought all the wads of gum were annoying. It was days like today that made me regret killing that old Russian pawnbroker and being reincarnated, even after the supposed redemption of my soul at the hands of that kind whore with the heart of gold, as this stupid fucking table. Honestly, couldn't a table go one goddamn day without being poked in the table-abdomen by some hard vampire cock? One goddamn day. That was all I was asking.
Bella´s POV:
I strutted to the table and sat down. My juices were so slippery that I nearly slid off the lab stool.
He must have noticed, because he bolted out of there like he'd just jizzed in his pants. I flushed crimson, in my face.
My life had no meaning while he was not in the room. He was gone for a whole fucking WEEK. I vowed I would wear the same clothes for three months and stare catatonically out the window. But then one day he came back, so I could breathe again. He sat down next to me.
Our hands brushed accidentall-ZAP KABOOM UNCONSCIOUSNESS
[FRAME MISSING]
[FRAME MISSING]
[FRAME MISSING]
Edward´s POV:
I told myself I wouldn't jizz in my pants again, but I almost did when she fainted. Oh man, when a girl bites her lip, mumbles, and faints A LOT, like Bella Swan does, it totally makes my emo nature straighten out and sparkle, if you know what I mean. I quickly coated her shoes with some rubber cement so that she wouldn't get zapped again when we touched, and it worked. It made her touch feel like pop rocks. You remember pop rocks, right? Sometimes Emmett and I mix up pop rocks with Mountain Dew right before we drink grizzly bear or mountain lion. Shut up. It's kind of white trash, but it adds texture. Don't judge. As if you could. You will never understand the depths of Edward fucking Cullen.
So anyway, I took care of her like a gentleman, and because she smells so fucking good and her brain is either dead or silent or something, which also makes her hot, because man, a quiet woman? Yeah, I'm a douche. When she came to, I got an idea.
"Hey, Bella. How about you and me take a little walk in the woods? I've got a divining rod and I'd like to see what your electric touch does to it."
DIVINING ROD (krdi perverdid...)
Bella seemed to catch my drift, because she giggled and blushed and nodded. I'm pretty sure she's braindead, or is some kind of Rain Man type thing-like she's good at biology, but she's only read three books and has no thoughts besides "mitosis" or "Heathcliff." I bet she's good at Jeopardy. I want this chick to meet my parents. She might stink up my Volvo though. My car freshener would be no match for her overwhelming smell bouquet. I wonder if I could get her to ride on the luggage rack on the roof? Or maybe I'll just ride in her truck. God, girls are complicated, just on a logistics level.
I follow her out into the woods, because she totally just does whatever I tell her to (hot) while saying nothing (hotter). Then, I also got to watch her ass. Girl is not so great on frontmeat, but her ass is pretty juicy. When we get to an appropriate spot, I can still smell her stink, even over all the woodsy smells. So I suggest we go for a little ride, and haul her on my back. I totally impress her by running fast. I think she peed a little, because, dang, nobody's vag is that wet.
"So, where's this divining rod?" she asked, with a quizzical quirk of her eyebrow. I hoped she didn't do that often. It could get old, fast.
"Where do you think it is, Pretty Swan?" I asked, touching her cheek to double-check the whole pop rocks thing. This time it was like rice crispies. Snap, crackle, pop. I'd take that too.
"I think it's a party in your pants...and everyone's invited."
God, she was dumb. The line goes There's a party in my pants, and everybody's coming. I just smiled and whipped out my johnson. I let it sparkle in the sunlight for her like a majorette's glittery baton. Because I'm a gentleman.
She touched it. UNGH, good! Just like pop rocks. I was right. I'm always right.
"You better hold on tight, spidermonkey!" I said, as she closed her teeny, tiny, itty bitty hands around my sparkling rod.
She giggled, and I put my big cold hands around hers for extra support. It was too late for lube, but I figured she could take a little chafing. She seemed like the martyr type anyway. I hammered into our hands at vamp speed until my jizz came out in jets of ice cold icicles. One of them hit her hoodie, but it must have been an enchanted hoodie, because it just bounced off of it. I swear, when I inspected the hoodie for damage, I could smell the musty ancient odor of mushroom ravioli. God, this girl had layers and layers of mingling sweet and rancid smells. Cheap strawberry shampoo and old mushroom ravioli.
Bella´s POV:
Pools of green and butterscotch and dazzle were staring down at me. The air smelled strangely of rubber cement. What had just happened? "Edward?" I breathed huskily, my chest heaving with need, my tongue aching to battle for dominance with ... someone ... something ... anything.
He just up and suggested I put my hand on his divining rod, and I told him that I wasn't sure I was allowed, because I wasn't religious, but I followed him out into the woods anyway. I always liked following strange people out into the woods.
The greenerscotch orbular guy and I were holding hands, and it was all fizzy and sparkly, like my hand was a tablet of Alka-Seltzer and his hand was a pool of water. A deep green, butterscotchtacular pool. I made a mental note that I should write this shit down, because I was like a fucking poet laureate.
I guessed I wasn't moving fast enough for him, because he hauled me on his back like a sack of potatoes and ran into the woods. Somewhere, I could hear a poncy little flute trilling away poncily.
Flute from Peter and the Wolf POV:
How the fuck did I end up here?
Bella´s POV:
We were in this beautiful, perfect meadow, the kind some lady might have a dream about and then build a multimillion dollar franchise upon. He unbuttoned his pants painfully slowly. Finally he just whipped it out. SCHPROING. Sparkly!
His penis, finally unsheathed, was glittering. It was like the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, with the big black monolith, except pale white and sparkly. I mean, not that I'm racist or anything. It was white and sparkling. I'm just reporting facts. And everything about it was inviting, I mean, the penis practically was holding an engraved invitation printed on Crane's paper in its manly penis hands. The invitation would read:
Pale Gigantic Cock
and
Glittering Wrinkly Balls
and
Glittering Wrinkly Balls
invite you to share in the joy
of
stroking the shit out of them
culminating in, perhaps,
thick, ropey strands of semen
culminating in, perhaps,
thick, ropey strands of semen
Black tie optional
"You'd better hold on tight, spidermonkey," he said as he watched me stroke him. And I held on for all I was worth, gritting my teeth, feeling the burn in my arms as I stroked up and down and up and down. I guessed my speed wasn't enough for him, because he went totally turbo, until his granite-like penis was chafing the shit out of my hands. I so did not want handjob callouses. I would have trouble explaining that to my dad Charlie from Forks, out of the city of Forks, into Forks, unto the city of Meyer, which is also called Forks (because he was of the house and lineage of Meyer).
"Oh, Bella, Bella," he hissed, and I thought how strange it was to sound like a teakettle when you were getting your rocks off. But hey, different strokes for different folks, no pun intended. Okay, pun sort of intended.
Before I knew it, it was like fireworks of semen coming out of the head of his penis, I mean right out of his urethra, which is where such fluids usually come. One stream narrowly missed my eye, bouncing instead off my holy hoodie.
"Inside me, now," I panted, and I could practically hear Edward's penis cranking back up to full-mast as he got his full bouncy erection back. Creak ... creak ... SCHRPOING. It was magical. I wanted to worship before it.
He fiddled with my jeans, and suddenly they were by my ankles. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and my clitoris had never wanted to be a bridge of a nose so much before.
Bella's Clitoris POV:
Uh, speak for yourself. No pinching here. Please. Please don't. Just ... no.
Bella´s POV:
He palmed my breasts with cold, like, doctor-giving-you-a-womanly-exam cold hands, but I still moaned and bit my lip and blinked "Fuck me" in Morse code with my eyes.
"I'm a monster," he said. He motioned to his glorious cock. "Do you see that? This is the schlong OF A KILLER, Bella."
"Well, I've got a bleeding hatchet wound, so we're meant to be together," I said.
He clenched his jaw so tightly that I could have sworn I heard teeth breaking. I wished I knew what he was thinking. He shook his head, relaxed, and just rammed into me all at once.
"I'm a virgin," I said, but all he did was thrust harder and harder.
"You're so tight, Bella," he groaned. "It's like trying to jam a Coke can into the eye of a needle."
"Oh, Edward," I said as his rod poked around, struggling to find purchase against the muscled walls of my birth canal. "Oh! I think I'm going to ... unnnggggh." I shivered, and my muscles clenched over and over again, my orgasm dragging me in its undertow even though I was a vagina-virgin. Edward's greeny butterscotch pools of brown went a bit cross-eyed, making him only more adorable, and I could feel the jets of freezing spooge burst into me like when you bite into a Chewel (närikas, good people: “the gum that goes SQUIRT”). The force was so great; it reminded me of that game at the carnival when you shoot a garden hose into the clown mouth to make the balloon inflate, and if you get there first, you win a prize.
I won the prize of Edward's dazzling, sparkling semen, which was way better than a cheap stuffed animal filled with styrofoam beads, but only marginally better than a plastic toy harmonica.
Bella's ovum POV:
I was just hanging around, minding my own business, when I heard this rushing sound, like an oncoming avalanche. What on earth?
Edward's semen POV:
I was out! Out! Free of the Master's Balls! I ran in formation, just as we'd been trained. Search, invade, conquer, fertilize! That was the Code of the Semens. I saw the ovum before my multitude of brothers. The ovum was not expecting us; that much was clear. She started to roll away slowly.
I mocked her. "AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!" I taunted, easily catching up, my flagellum working overtime to get me all up inside her bewitching membrane. I took a deep breath and plunged into her, and ... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. We were joined, transforming into something else. I may have bitten a pillow in my attempt not to break her fragile ovum membrane too much. Where did I get a tiny, sperm-sized pillow? That's not important. Focus, people. There's SEX happening here.
Bella´s POV:
Suddenly I felt something nudging my insides. For all intensive porpoises (and I'd never met a porpoise that wasn't severely intense), it was like his jism was poking around my uterus and making a baby. But I didn't ever use birth control, because I was a vagina-virgin.
He pulled out of me with a popping sound, and my vagina deflated like a sad balloon. But then I felt more nudging inside me, poky fingers of something, and heard a faint cry deep within my womanly parts, and I knew it couldn't just be his bossy semens.
"I know what you are," I said, gasping as I watched his glittering penis wiggle and dance as it recovered from the constrictions of my tight snatch.
He looked at me sort of constipated-like, but also kind of sexy constipated, like he had a big marble turd shaped like the Venus de Milo crammed in his large intestine. "Then say it ... out loud," he said, shifting as if the turd were prairie-dogging a little.
"Your skin ... it's ice cold ... your penis feels like an icicle ... you didn't once try to put it up my ass ... you sparkle in the sunlight ..."
"Say it," he commanded, leaning in impossibly closer.
"Zombie," I said, so turned on that my nipples popped out, poking Edward in the eye.
"Close enough," he said, wincing and blinking. "Are you afraid?"
"No!" I shouted, causing Edward to flinch almost imperceptibly. "Oh, and I should tell you that I think I'm pregnant."
"Wait, whut?" said Edward.
jatkuu...
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